Death Note Parody

[Beyond Birthday]

Sayu looks at Light, as if to seek an apology. Rubbing her head, she exclaims, "Light, what the hell, man!"
Light runs to the other side of the room and tosses the chair at her again, this time possibly causing a concussion.
Ryuk watches in disbelief. "Uh...you know she can't see me, right?"
"Oh, I know. This is funner, though. If there's no plot development, I may as well do something to capture the readers interest, eh?"
Light quickly turned on his computer. "I know what to do..." Light began to furiously type.
Ryuk stood, watching over his shoulder. "4chan, eh?"


It is a few hours later. Light closes his closet door and throws the ductape into a drawer.
Ryuk chuckles, "Heh, are you sure this was the best thing to do?"

Light picked up the Death Note and placed it in his backpack. "But of course, /b/ knows best. Now, if you don't mind, I have some shopping to do....."

[Pygmy]

Meanwhile at the super duper secret police place a meeting is in progress. L is the greatest detective ever known, but he only takes cases he deems worthy. So now the police puzzle over who is killing all these random criminals and wonder if the greatest detective of all man kind will help them solve this puzzling case of puzzelness.

"Hey this man died nakid! And he died of a heart attack!" One man shouts while holding up a photo. "Sir keep you nekkid photos to yourself, please." Another officer informs him. "Well thats the one hundreth and second criminal who has died of a heart attack! Why cant I find a pattern in these deaths?!" One lead officer proclaims to the ceiling.

[Beyond Birthday]

The main representative from Japan had a stern look on his face and his hands were steepled as if in deep thought. Turning to the man on his left, he proclaims, "Looks like another one for L."
The congression was silent.
The man at his side turned to him. "Yagami sir, who is L?"
"L is the greatest detective the world has ever seen. They say he's a hermit. No one's ever seen his face."
It was then that a man in a trenchcoat appeared, gat in hand. Firing it, he yelled out: "Everyone in dis bitch shut tha hell up! Word, check dis." He placed a laptop on a table in the center of the room, and opened it.
"Hey, this is L. How's everyone doing? Woah, seriously? Man, my voice sounds screwed up..."
The representative from the U.S. became frustrated. "This is not a joke, say what have you!"
L apologized. "Ah yes, sorry. This is how this badboy is gonna go down...."

[Pygmy]

Hours later Light returns home with a sack from Home Depot and another from Walmart. He creates some highly technical place to hide the Death Note when he is not home and the procedes to explain to Ryuk how it works while walking home.

"Wow your not a stupid as you look." Ryuk says to Light as they trod on. Light as usual walks stiff and confident in his flawlessly clean cloths. He smirks at Ryuks comment and keeps walking.

"Uhm.. Light, Some weirdo with fake hair is following us. Usually I wouldnt say anything but I keep getting the feeling he is checking out my shiny metal ass." Ryuk says while looking over his shoulder at his fine ass.

Light falters but keeps walking. damn! How could he have been so stupid as to no notice hisself being followed. Casually he looks over his shoulder to see a dark shady form tailing him. Great. Just great.

Later in lights room. A geometry book goes flying at Ryuk, who dodges it just in time. "I told you never to talk to me in public! People will think Im physco or something." Light growls at Ryuk while picking up another book to throw at the Shinigami.

"You know nothing in the human world can harm me, right?" Ryuk says with in uneasy chuckle.

"Well it makes me feel better." Light says while sitting on his bed, calming down.

[Pygmy]

Both of them are silent for a few tense seconds then suddenly light brigthens up.
"Ryuk, this gives me an Idea!"
Ryuk: "Oh dear god."
"L, that d**n detective of the police secrettedness, must be investigating my family. The police would never investigate themselves..that would be weird" Light says, dramatic music playing in the background.

"Six days ago the info must have leaked. There must be many people investigating the police. So many that there is noway they could find out I am Kira...However if I ignore this then I would becoime a suspect....."

Ryuk stares at him boredly, his smile transfixed on his face. The shinigami starts to speak but is cut off by Light.

"I must find out who this is following me!" He says standing up suddenly with his fingure in the air resolutely."But how should I ask his name without arousing suspicion....?"

Ryuk contnes to stare blankly at him, looking as if his head is on the verge of exploding.

Ryuk finnaly speaks to the human. "Ratio, hunny."
Light: "What is it, man?"

Ryuk: "There are two differences between the human and teh shinigami who use this Noite Book of Death. Do you know why I have to use the Death Note?"

Light thinks oin it a moment then looks at the death god. "Becasue you like drawing stick figure porn?"

Ryuk: "Besides that."

Ratio shrugs.
Ryuk: "My eyes. I can see everyhumans life span and name. This word is cold and rotting..Everything is meaningless...I think Ill go eat worms.."

Lights turn to stare at him blankly."Ryuuku, Your so Silly!"

[Beyond Birthday]

Ryuuku returns, some odd minutes later from his worm expedition. Light is spinning in his chair. He lifts up his head. "Hey, Ryuk. About those eyes-"
Ryuk pulled an especially juicy worm gut from his mouth and was playing with it. His eyes were now transfixed upon Light's. "So, have you made a decision about the plan which I have not even discussed with you yet?"
"As a matter of fact, I was reading your diary when you left and you were talking to yourself about how you weren't gonna tell me about the eye trade, no matter how much I begged and pleaded, and then you proceeded to go over the details step by step. You also mentioned something about a guy named Sidoh who you have a crush o-"
Ryuk was now blushing and tore his journal away from Light, who had stopped spinning around his chair.
"Dammit, I didn't want anyone to find out this way... Anyway, have you made a decision about the trade?"
Light paused and stared Ryuk straight in his eyes. "Yes. I want to rule over this ideal world for many years. I'm going to-"

[Pygmy]

"- do the hustle!" Then he totally starts dancing like hes never danced before.

-A few moments later-
"Whew okay that was fun, now back to the Eye trade busines." He sasy wiping sweat off his forhead and panting slighty at the exertion. "Ryuk this deal is..."

The Death God seems to visibly perk up as if awaiting the words to leave the humans mouth so he can halve Rations life spane like a butter knife through syrup. "-Is out of the question."
And suddenly Ryuks hopes come crashing down. He looks visibly shocked and saddened by Lights intelligence.

"If Im to ever beat all the songs of DDR I NEED a long life span, so cutting my current one in half is just idiocy. If you give my some candy then I would consider it but I would never take away years from my life. You should know that by now, My Friend."

Ryuk:(mumbles)".....Dookie Head.."
Light turns to him. "What?"
Ryuk: " Just ya know..putting it out there. You just wanting to know so you know...you would know I wasnt hiding it from you or anything...so...yeaaaaah...."

Light crosses his arms and scowels. "Yeah, so moving on.."

He stares at the death God and this some how unnerves Ryuk. He fidgets under Lights unblinking, alien gaze.

"Is there nothing else you would like to tell me about the Death Note?"
"Uh, Nope."
Light clicks his tongue simpatheticly. "Thats too bad."
Ryuk turns his head to one side like an interested German Sheperd Dog. "Too bad?"
"It it was the ability to have Goerge Clooneys acting talent then I might have considered the offer. That is Godly. A dream that humans have shared since ancient times." Lights eyes start to become dazed out.

Ryuk: "...Your weird."
"I was kidding."
Ryuk: "You'd make a fine Shinigami, kid."
"Dont compare me to Shinigami Scum-Er I mean..Gods."
Both: "........*crickets chirp*"

Light: "Ive Figured it out! I can find out the name of the weirdo stalking me.
Tomarrow is saturday!"

[Beyond Birthday]

It is now the next morning. Light walks by the counter, picking up a piece of toast, slowly inserting it into his mouth. Light's mother is at the table, folding clothes (shut up, it's too far to go from the drier to the living room, back again to get another load. This is more convenient) "Light, don't let your father see you doing that."
Light downs the toast. "Sure, sorry mom." Light and Ryuk walk out the door. Ryuk is contorting his body into various shapes. "Hey, hey, hey, hey Light."
Light looked back, not saying a word. "Hey, hey. Light. Light! HEY!"
Light turns around, forgetting his own pledge to not talk to Ryuk in public. "Holy shit, what is it?! damn!"
Ryuk turns around, sobbing to himself. "Nothing, jerk..."
As the pair walk for a few more blocks, Ryuk pipes up again. "So, Light, where are we going?" "Idiot, you didn't look at the death note before we left the house?" "Nope. It's more exciting this way." Light smiles to himself and continues walking. "Get ready to be impressed, Ryuk." They reached their destination; a busstop. There was a girl waiting for him when they arrived.
"YAY! Light's here! I thought you couldn't go on any dates until finals were over?"
Light, as always, was humble in this situation. "Oh, hey generic girl number 776 who will never be seen after this short section of the story. I figured 'What's the point in studying' when I'm already this smart. I'm not stupid like you or anything, I mean."
Ryuk was behind Light, pen and paper in hand. "Man, Light's such a smooth talker. I could learn a thing or two from him!"

[Pygmy]

Secretly he admires the human meat sac. Light had stayed up late msot of teh night writing names int eh note book. Testing its limits of control, toying with it like a child toys with a new remote controled car. Ratio grins at the girl, he is quite a stud and the ladies seemed to be lining up for a peice of the smartest teen in Japan.

A stinky bulls rolls up, squealing its breaks as it stops and leaving a cloud of carboin dioxide behind it. Ah, glorious technology at work. Light escprts the girl into the bus which next takes them to an Amusement Park. Ryuk flies over head watching the cars pass and stealing apples from confused street vendors. The sky is blue and the world seems alive with spring in the air.

"An amusment park, Ratio?" The girl questions him as she sits beside him, next to the window. Angry at her for taking his faveriote spot next to teh window he mimics her winy voice under his breath.

"What was that?" The girls asks, stupid to his foul mood. Light clears his throat.

"I said this is the only place in Japan that has my faveriote roller coaster; The Vomit Launcher."


The girl laughs in a bubbly kind of way that makes her boobs jiggle like jello. "Oh okay."
Suddenly a balding man gets on teh buss. Lights eyes widen in surprise. The man seems to count everyone the bus then suddenly pulls out a tiny pistol that looks so small it could be a toy.

"I'm hijacking this bus!" He yells and the people on the buss all scream, even Ratio. "Shut up!" He barks and everyone falls silent except one person keeps screaming in a high pitched voice.

It Ratio curled up agaisnt the girl while everyone stares at him. Seeming to notice this he opens his eyes and slowly stops screaming. Awkward silence ensues.

The Hijacker man turns to the driver of the bus. "Do you know teh number to that Amusement park near here? Call it."

The driver picks up the magical buss phone and dials the number.
"Hellow? Space Land? ..."
"Now ask them if thier refrigerator is running." The hijacker man tells him.
"Uh....bus 223 has been Hijcaked by a mad man!"
The criminal snorts holding back laughter. "Dude did you just say Hicaked? Thats so funny!" He takes the phone and starts giving details about them bringing out some money or something.

The girl beside light shiver and closes her eyes in fear. Light looks around, then seizes the moment to write a note to the weird stalker guy in the seat behind him.

The man reads it then whsipers in ligths ear over the seat. "Dont do that, thats stupid. Use the girl as a distraction and we can make out get away."

"You have a terrible American accent to you speech..plus you smell bad." Light replies.

[Pygmy]

NEXT CHAPER BEGIN*******
Lights throws a paper ball the weird stalker guy. The buss continues to zoom on its way, the passangers in a near panic state.

A few seconds later Light is pegged in the head by a peice of candy. The stalker guy snickers, Like smirk at him. "Oh I'm keeping this."
"No THats my candy!" The cries, some how not heard by the guy with the gun.

Light looks at him unwrap the candy, slowly. Ever so slowly.

"Your dead to me." Says the stalker guy.
Slowly puts his tongue on the candy, slowly sticking it in and out of hs mouth.

"Please, I'll do anything!" The guys pleads.

"Tell me who you are!" Light demands with out looking at the man.

The man slips Light an FBI card sprinkled with glitter. "Shweet you got a holographic one? Only five exist in the world!" The young mane known as Ratio keen eyes narrow in on the name. So the FBI is the one sent to follow him. Already they suspect him for the killings!

Light hands the card back to the man. "Fine, take the candy." He says spitting it into his hand and giving it to Ray Penbar.

Penbar snatches it up hungrly and puts it in his mouth. "MMmm scrumptious apple flavored with a hit of...mint?"

"Oh sorry Im chewing mint flavored gum, that must be what you taste."

Ray chews on the candy a bit then nods. "Yeah that must be what I taste."

"So...you gonna dpo somethin about the guy robbin the bus?" Light inquires.
"Huh?"
"You know with you GUN."
"Oh that!"

Suddenly the man holding them hostage walks back there aiming the gun at Light.
"Whats that piece of paper?" The man demands in a crazy voice.
"Its yo momma." Light mumbles and the rest of the people on the bus snicker at his joke.
"What? What did he just say?" The man is obviously confused.
The man picks up the paper ball and unravels it. "How boring a date note....and is this stick figure porn? You disgust me!"

Suddenly he straightens up. "That thing at the far back! What the hell is that?!"

Ryuk who had been sitting in the far back seat of the bus looks very up set at being called 'that'. He puts his claws on his chest and looks accused. "ME? Im just sitting here minding my own business while riding a bus to the space land park. I love the park."

"Dont move Im gonna kill you monster!" The man says waving his gun at the shinigami.
"Well Have Sexytime With you, then." Ryuk says crossing his arms and ignoring the man.

Ray stands up, slamming his feet down in dramatic way. "Hit the deck everyone! Hes gone mad!"
The bullets pass through Ryuk with harmless Splats. People scream, ooonoez.

The man uses up all his bullets, screams something about fish then tries to run.

Man: "Stop da bus! "
He says hugging the bus driver.
The bus driver bitch slaps him out of the bus and into the street where the man is smooshed like a pancake underneath a fat womans bootey.

[Beyond Birthday]

Getting from his seat to check things out for himself, Light sees his stalker looker over the crazed man's body as he casually leans out of the bus' door. What a badass.
"Hey, Kid." Light looked up at the man just as casually as he was leaning. "What is it, whitey?" He could now see that Ray was entranced with the body. Light feared to turn away for the possible things this man may have done to it otherwise. "Just look at this body! He's beautiful! Get down low and look at it!"
Light's face twists and contorts at the thought of not only a poorly placed 'that's what she said' joke, but the thought of coming down from his stoop. "These are *new* shoes I'll have you know. Some of us can afford nice things because we don't work dead end jobs as undercover FBI agents hired to spy on children." Ray set aside the thoughts he shared for the corpse and tried to come to an understanding with the young man. "N-no...that's not what I came here to do. The truth is, uh, I LOVE SPACELAND!" Light daintily steps from the steps at the front of the bus and touches ground, making sure to miss the chunks of man that now covered the roadside. "The jacket gives it away, my friend. No one with any fashion sense would be caught dead wearing that. It's the only possibility."
Ryuk's jaw drops to the ground. ("Hey, I've got three of those at home!")
"Okay, okay! Just don't tell anyone you met me..."
"It's a deal. I won't even tell daddy. Hey, what's your name, by the way?"
Shocked by this, Ray pulls back and gives a suspicious look Light's way. "Why?"
"Why does it matter? Maybe I wanna send you a fruit basket one day and I can look up your address? It's not like I'll use it for some world dominating power struggle that spans many years, seperates the world into two factions, and ends with my untimely demise."
Ray thought it over and shrugged. "Yeah, what are the chances. Ray. Ray Penbar. Well, I'd love to stay but I gotta go. My fiance bought some new lotion from that sex sto-"
Light had heard more than he ever wanted to know and stuck his fingers in his ears and began to yell at the top of his lungs as he ran away. "Mommy and daddy were playing jungle gym, mommy and daddy were playing jungle gym!"

Ray scuttled his way across the street like the toolroach he was and Light was soon lost again in one of his infamous inner monologues. "I knew it." He thought, smirking.
"...but I don't want the police to know I met him. If word got out, they'd assume I was asking for fashion tips and dad would find out...as well as L. That could only lead to them all making fun of me when I'm not around. I can't have that! Ray on the other hand; he doesn't suspect me a bit. He knows I'm suave like a mango. That bus jacker though...he has no style at all. What was with his jacket? It didn't compliment his haircut in the slightest! A man with bad style who happened to highjack a bus and die in the street after the man who's been tailing me for weeks happens to be on the same bus...I'm sure it'll be filed as just another incident."

Finishing the novel in his head, Light returned from the land of gumdrops and lollipops and into the real one. It was now that he finally noticed his date, who appeared to be notably upset. If she were to say something at this point in the story, it would probably be a bunch of dots, but I won't give you the satisfaction of reading them!

Light walks towards his date, hands on his hips. "Well, would you look at that...here we were on our way to Spaceland and something like this happens. Who would have seen it coming?"
She grabs onto Light's arm. He is in shock. ("The polyester! YOU FOOL!")
"Oh no you don't! I went through all this and we're GOING to Spaceland!"

Ryuk hovers behind the pair of teens, smiling to himself. "Swoosh woosh woosh!" Ryuk made a swirling motion with his index finger as he spoke with a grin. "there goes your independence, pal!"
Light quickly leered at him for a second. ("There goes your wrestling shows. Smart off again and I'm taking away internet for a week.")

****Meanwhile at the Penbar's Suite...****

The man in his hideous coat stepped to the front of the door to his room and pulled a keycard from his pocket. "Beep bop boop! Access granted! " Yes, there was a smiley face. Got a problem?

Upon entering, Ray was met by a midget who kept prancing in front of him shouting "Home again, home again, jiggidy jig!" and his fiance, Naomi, who had still not prepared his dinner. He wasn't sure which site angered him more.

[Pygmy]

lol nice, my reply coming soon!

[Beyond Birthday]

Gracias, dear. I'm looking forward to your reply. I think I liked the ending best. Ray is such a mean husband... "Where's my dinner, woman?!"
"No Ray, not the closet again!"

[Pygmy]

Ray falls into his lazy boy recliner then sighs loudly. His wife looks at him and blinks. He sighs again, louder this time. His wife suddenly gets the hint and perks up.

"Did something happen at work today, hunny?" She asks soflty.

"Japan is a dangerous country. The other day someone stole my bowl of noodles as I was eating it. I was EATING IT! Oh yeah and someone hijacked a bus I was on."

"What?" She asks looking scared, now.

"Its okay, tho. He jumped off--Er, I mean I uh...I shot him. Yeah it got pretty scary but I kept my calm and took the guy down. Im pretty much a hero, now." Ray lies to her, streatching out in his recliner.

His wife glares at him and he sinks deep into the chair, looking like a scolded puppy. "HHmm?"

"I wonder if it really was all coincidence." She says, bringing him and her a cup of hot pepperment tea.

"Look your were a good FBI agent. WERE. Now your just my wife so shut up and bring me some damn dinner!" Rays says growing more disgusted with his american bride with every second.

"Sorry Ray, form of habit." She says and scuttles off into the kitchen,

Ray mumbles something about lazy women and opens up his Japan daily newspaper.

---------Meanwhile in Lights room.

Ryuk hangs over Light's shoulder as Light sits playing on his computer. Suddenly Ryuk slaps Light upside the head. "Stop looking up porn, you furry freak!"

"Ryuk!" Light pulls his hand out of his pants. "How long have you been floating there!?"

"Long enough to see you getting busy with images of nude humans."

"Nothing wrong with that, many single guys my age do this!" Light snifs indignantly.

"Not to pictures of monkeys, they dont." Ryuk chuckles darkly.
Light grumps at him them pulls out the Death Note and slaps it open on his desk.

"Finnaly gonna write down the name of that FBI agent?" The shinigami asks over his shoulder.

"Nope, I'll write his name down...next week." Light says grinning evily.
"It would be suspicious if he died now, I need to let him continue his investiagtion. In a week he will show me who the FBI agents in Japan are."

Ryuk tilts his head to the side like a confused dog. "Whatchu talkin bout, willis?"

"But now its time for another prisoner to keep L company." Light says.

[Beyond Birthday]

There he stood in his dark room (which was bare, save for a laptop and a gumball machine) secluded from the outside world. The man in question was as pale as an all natural homemade vanilla icecream delight and his eyes bore the resemblance of someone who hadn't taken to sleeping in many moons. The man's hair was black and unruly, like his soul. His dress consisted of a plain creamy-colored longsleeve shirt and loose blue jeans. Simple dress for a simple man. Only this wasn't a simple man, it was L, the greatest detective in the world, nay, the entire galaxy. Even detectives stretching far and away into sci-fi fandom could not hold a Blastech DL-44 to his intellect.

L had been lost in thought by the paper in front of him. The words on the paper had troubled him. He muttered them once more, trying to find some semblance as to what it could all mean. "Do you know the muffin man? Are they trying to tell me they know something? I guess it's true I was curious about them in my younger days...

L was distressed by the abrupt greeting of his friend, Watari, who now greeted him upon the other end of the laptop. L sometimes wondered if the man felt the same way about their relationship. "L, I take it you still don't know the muffin man?" L turned away in a most bratty fashion and slouched upon his knees. "No. That delicious bastard is still out of our reach." L pulled at the edges of the paper and spoke once more "...anything else you would like to ask? Maybe if I...*clears throat* have a date to the upcoming Valentine's Day Ball? Teehee." There was an awkward pause that lasted at LEAST ten minutes. Watari knew business had to proceed, so he spoke at last. "N-no, that's quite alright, thank you. HOWEVER, I found another victim with a note. Although...I probably shouldn't give it to you since you still haven't finished your first one."
"C'mon, we can just say it somehow relates back to Kira manipulating the prisoners or some BS before they mysteriously die."
If Watari was there I'm sure he would've pimp slapped L. "L, that was the most retarded thing I've ever heard."
"Psh, it's what the professionals do." Watari became more disgruntled everytime L opened his mouth but agreed to send the image anyway. "Uploading images as we speak. This may take a while." Ah, 'while', the word L hated most. It always brought him into a childish frenzy. "PIX NAO!"
Watari knew he only had himself to blame, what with the constant encouragement of sweets whenever he did something good.

What soon appeared on L's monitor was the most emo poem he had ever laid eyes on. Something about morbid existence and not fearing God's realm, blah blah blah, what did he know. For some reason, Cthulu knows why, L felt the need to go into Microsoft Word and rotate the image to a 90 degree angle. Doing so, however, brought him to the edge of his pants. Connecting the first letter of every word bottom to top spelled out...

"Reavers!"
Watari quickly tried negotiating over the computer. "L, I don't think..."
"Nonsense, Watari. Who's the one with the crazy hair here?"
L's voice became deep and serious as he knelt down to speak to him.
"I...don't want you to get scared, but we might get another writing like this. You're gonna have to be a big boy and tell me when they send another message,"
Slowly picking himself up, L stretched good and long in a provocative manner. "...in the meantime, tell police not to take their eyes off of Joss Whedon's house." Silence on the other end. Watari had had enough and left the room.
The detective tiptoed along and scratched his belly in triumph. "I wonder if 6Teen's on. Those kids are a hoot."










I assume he watched the show on his computer since he had no tv. I overlooked that minor detail.